My Daily Demise

I kill myself each day. It’s only a small dosage, a minuscule of a milligram, of death. Every day is a different death from the previous. One day my slipper fails to reach the next step down the long, concrete staircase, and as I fall I smash the back of my head at the bottom of the stairs. Another day, I inadvertently walk in front of a car that’s going at a faster pace than my feet, and will sideswipe my body and crush my torso in the process. Other times it will be a slow death, where the same car hits me straight on, and as I fall down to the ground, I see the bottom car parts as it runs me over at 25 miles per hour.

I’ve been shot in the back of the head by an angry passenger on the subway. I’ve been bashed in the skull by a crazy lunatic on the side of the road with a bottle of wine. Ive been stabbed, I’ve been gutted. I’ve been tortured. I’ve been left in a ditch and buried alive. I’ve been yesterday’s murder victim as seen on the news. Each day is different. And each day is creatively, morbidly, and vividly deathly. 

My brain isn't always a bleak and dreary mess. I throw myself into these daily snippets of scenarios for a few moments. Although my death has yet to occur, my biggest fear in life is death itself, being my own or that of a loved one. I'm so afraid of death that I mentally put myself through it each day. I’ll sit there and imagine all aspects, facing my biggest fear in the deepest pit of my brain. Some nights they will be so real, I’ll fall asleep teary eyed. Some days they are so vivid, I need to shake myself and think of candy rainbows and happy giraffes. Although thinking of death may only prolong a grieving period that has yet to happen, I must face my fears.

Morbid? Just a tidbit. With a minute, a near zero percent chance of choosing my own death, it’s only natural to at least have a small list of ideal ways to die in my purse just in case the chance of choice arrives. These include:

1. While sleeping, having a magical dream, and dying right in the midst of dancing about in my dreamland, as if I were meant to be there forever.

2. Laughing myself to death, aka fatal hilarity. Wouldn't that be funny? Ha..Ha..

3. Fan death, which is just another way to die in my sleep, except while the fan is running in a closed room. This apparently only occurs in South Korea, so I’d have to travel back to South Korea in order to die, and in that case, I’d take one of the two previous options.

The absolute worst way to die? Being stung and paralyzed by a digger wasp, only to have digger wasp eggs nested inside my body, and later eaten from the inside out by baby digger wasps! Luckily, digger wasps only use other insects for egg laying, and not humans. Whew! 

The day will arrive when one of these hundreds of scenarios will, in fact, be a reality. I have no choice as to which one, therefore I would need to be mentally prepared for that one crucial moment which would inevitably be my last moment. 

I don't know whether my life would flash in front of my eyes before death – that’s a lot of life to flash around in only a few milliseconds. And seeing a bright light before death? Patrick Swayze in Ghost was utterly creepy under that said light, and it reminds me of florescent lights, which hurt my eyes anyways. But if any of these bright lights or memory flashes do occur, I’d like to be prepared for that as well. Meaning, I want to let the people that I love the most know that I love them. I want to answer every single call made, and say “I love you” a million times. I want to take out time from my life to see them. I want them to know absolute sure that I love them, even after a long hard fight. I will slam the door and yell “I’m pissed, but I still love the shit out of you!” So, as that flashing memory light thing turns on when I’m in the process of dying, I won't have to stop to stress about whether or not I told my loved ones that I love them. Which leads me to my list of possible random thoughts that may run through my dying brain…other than the fact that I'm dying.

1. I hope my brothers and dad will be okay. 

2. They better play “Spain” at my funeral.

3. Oh, and they'd better remember to do that one thing I told them to do with my ashes! I'm going to be so mad if they just bury me like a dead dog!

4. I hope my wishes come true and I’m reincarnated as a seagull living in Medellin, Colombia.

5. I hope my ex-boyfriend cries a lot, I mean A LOT, and realizes I was amazing and he should never have broken up with me. But who cares cause I'm pretty much dead now, right?

6. I really wanted a kid, dammit. Maybe by some off chance, there is a baby inside me and will become the miracle child, and will grow up to be the most amazing human being in all of existence.

7. I wish I could take my pillow with me to dead land.

8. Where is dead land? And why am I going there?! I don't want to die!

9. Fine. Just...just fine. I love you, life. I don't have a single regret. Hopefully death will treat me as kind as you did, life. Please take care of my loved ones. Goodbye.

10. I’m going to miss listening to The Beatles.

Maybe thinking so much about death is also my own creepy way to understanding this concept of mortality, something that everybody eventually goes through. Maybe I just want it to hurt a little at a time rather than ripping the band-aid off all at once. Maybe I should lay off my daily demise and focus on better and more progressive aspects of life, such as life itself. Maybe I should start this now. :)